Reflections from Parental Leave

What would you do with 8 weeks of paid leave from work? As my second daughter’s due date approached, I was eagerly creating lists of things I could get done with this time. Of course, first on my list was supporting my family and bonding with my new baby. Then I started to add things… rebuild the shed out back, teach the 3-year-old to swim, build a pen for our tortoise, write and record 2 original songs, read books on time management and parenting, and a long list of things to get established in the home as we wrapped up renovations. I wrote this list before she was born. When I revisited it two days after she was born to get started, I realized how naïve it was.  

Thinking back on this time, I had to focus on supporting my family because there were so many immediate needs when our newborn came home. I was shopping, cooking, and cleaning for my family and a stream of family and friends coming to the house. For a while, I kept the list of projects in the back of my head, and it nagged at me. Over the weeks, I realized how unrealistic it was to do anything other than be present with my family and keep us fed, safe, and connected. One of my goals was to take our 3-year-old on outings so my wife could just focus on the baby. At first, I took her out to do things but would try to come home in time to ‘get something done.’ I was listening Eckart Tolle’s A New Earth during this time, in which he talks about the ego and how to avoid being overcome by it. Some quotes that really helped me change my mindset were “Awareness that I am having desires allows me to break free from them.” and “The ego wants to want more than it wants to have”.

At some point it clicked for me that doing the dishes, or being with my daughter at the zoo or pool or children’s museum was the work I needed to be doing, and nothing more.  Towards the end of my leave, I spent 7 hours with our 3-year-old at a children’s museum, which is one of my fondest memories this time. I was realizing that once I went back to work, chances to spend a day with her and have no other obligations would be few and far between. I sat with an infant on my chest, feeling her warmth like a hot coal on me while I watched her breathe. I started wanting what I already had rather than wanting to take on more work. I let go of my need to get the full list of other projects done, and waited for times when we had extra help to tackle projects.

Bill Gates is credited with saying people “overestimate what they can do in one year but underestimate what you can do in 10 years”.  I felt this very much by overestimating what I could do in 8 weeks, trying to cram a year’s worth of projects into a time when I didn’t need to be doing any projects. I am trying to carry this perspective and be present with my family any time I am with them and keeping things in perspective.

Looking back, I feel foolish for making such a long list of projects beyond being present and caring for my family.  I’m glad I didn’t force doing house projects and made memories with my daughters instead. It was a challenge to be present and silence the voice saying I should be ‘getting something done’. I was bringing work mentality to my family leave time and trying to show my value through my accomplishments. At the Wallace Center we have a saying that ‘showing up is enough’. With 2 small children showing up can be an all-out effort! If a parent can show up for something, there is a whole game plan and set of tasks they had to go through to get there and ensure their family is cared for so they can be present. The level of care and preparation it takes to support a family of four is new to me, and I’m committed to centering that sacred work in my life before I let my ego (or someone else’s ego) tell me there is anything else to ‘want’.